SelfAssessArruda

Exit Self -Assessment
Kerri Arruda
May 10, 2016

I entered CCT with only the experience of a learner who was taught primarily by rout methods. There may have been some thinking skills applied but not to where such skills might be honed. This program was unique in that it helped me grow as a thinker. I feel I can identify my bias’, I can approach situations from different perspectives, and I am overall better equipped to continue growing as a skilled thinker. I was impacted to the degree that I am now able to self-assess and have also discovered that I have the potential to be a higher thinker than I was upon entering the program.
My Synthesis paper reflects much of my growth during the program. In my early courses I felt I learned basic concepts with which I later would utilize for more advanced ways of thinking. The fact that the program let me choose a topic of importance to me made the aspect of research much more engrossing that it would have been had I been forced to research an assigned topic or one with restrictions. Research then became appealing and I believe more effective. It was one of those things that you notice you keep returning your thoughts to and finding yourself sneaking in free moments here and there to research further.
Unfortunately, during this program my life was thrown into upheaval upon discovering that my daughter was participating in self-harm. Upon discovering that her teacher was aware that students were “cutting these days” while I was completely unaware I became outraged and felt the need to take some action. I utilized my courses in Action Research and Processes of Research and Engagement to help me take action. It was not until my Synthesis, however, that I was finally able to step back and assess my process and ultimately be able to redirect so that I could progress forward.
My story is rather unbelievable. The short version is that I could not get help for my daughter, I remained unaware until I stumbled across my daughter’s cuts. I was motivated to research Non-Suicidal Self-Injury with hopes of helping my daughter as well utilize CCT to help me promote awareness as I felt enraged that I had not been informed that this behavior was popular among adolescents. I brought my daughter to doctors and therapists, none who could see her when she was in crisis. I was told to take her to the ER which is almost impossible with a daughter in such a state of anxiety.
Finding cuts that were new and more significant than the previous, I managed to convince her that the wounds should be inspected by her physician as I was fearful of infection. Here I was able to plead to the physician who sent us to the hospital for further evaluation. After my daughter was evaluation at the hospital they took her away to the psychiatric hospital where she spent her fourteenth birthday. I say they took her away because at that point I had no right to stop them even if I wanted. Intense therapy resumed after her release, cutting subsided but did not cease.
Months later, though she was improving, her father used the old image of cuts that I had shared with him just prior to her psychiatric hospital admittance. He took me to court and stated that he wanted custody. As a result of our earlier divorce, I had full physical custody of my girls since they were three years old. Now at age 14, I walked into court and was faced with these demands. He judge said for the safety of my daughter he was going to grant temporary custody to their father. I walked out of court that day with my parental rights temporarily stripped.
What motivates me to promote awareness is not only the safety of adolescents, but the hopes of helping others avoid the peripheral turmoil that follows. My daughter who does not cut has suffered greatly, feeling like she needs to keep her sister safe, feeling that she was taken away from her mother when she wasn’t the one who was cutting. The story ends with me living alone in my Mother’s basement without even a window. Still struggling with my daughter’s scars, and her ongoing cutting.

CCT – Synthesis Project
My Synthesis project was a recounting off all of my former attempts to promote awareness about NSSI, most of which failed. During this paper my focus was to reflect. It was not until I sat down and wrote about my reflection that I was actually learning to reflect. I recognized that my early attempts to reflect were merely just a review. A more casual looking over and noting that one thing didn’t work with the solution of tossing that idea aside for a new. I didn’t look deep into why it didn’t work and how to fix what I was already working with. It was easy to quit one attempt for a new one. As I further reviewed, attempting to reflect without a firm grasp on reflection, I would make corrections and adjustments, but only ones with which I felt comfortable.
Upon writing about my process and actually trying to explain it in the form of a reflective paper, was I actually start to understand the process of reflection. I could see how I was previously merely reviewing and what I needed was a more in depth approach. I began to notice myself as a block to my progress. This was a key element for me because I could then see the underlying problem to avoiding addressing certain aspects. I guess I could see the pattern of what I failed to address and my newly identified introversion. This paper being one that is much of self-reflection helped me identify the changes I needed to make. If I was not comfortable with certain changes, I could find crutches to aid in what I now knew as a major block, my introversion.
I feel that I have the ability to move forward in my project. I can identify my audience, and in my case, my materials would need to be adjusted accordingly. Materials suitable for school administrators would differ from those that would be suitable for adolescents. I have a constituent, Sheryl Rabbit, from Morton Middle School in Fall River, MA. She suggested a possibility of speaking to staff, parents, and students. My task will not be to be able to speak to each and each will require a specific approach.
My research has shown me what has been done before and there are many sites that offer help as they have established programs. I have a clear idea about what I want to do but now I have a better understanding of how to go about the process as well as an ability to self-assess. I feel that I can reach my audience but that my biggest obstacle is getting myself to my audience. Building constituents and fighting my introversion will remain obstacles. I have discovered that if I set a small goal than I can push through it if I have crutches such as handouts and a good elevator pitch.
Having met Sheryl Rabbit and hearing of her enthusiasm makes me feel less anxious about speaking with her again. Of course, I would like to do that through email or phone! If she is as eager as she seemed she will be a great constituent as I will then feel compelled to speak to staff, parents and/or adolescents. Such an accomplishment would inspire me to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone. My next step is to follow through with Sheryl Rabbit and keep my offer to speak about NSSI one that stays in the forefront of her mind. My daughter who cuts, applauds my efforts and seems to share an interest in promoting awareness.
CCT- Reflective Practitioner
At this point there is no need to point out that my introversion has been an obstacle. Clearly one that impedes the idea of “taking initiative in and through relationships”. I now understand the importance of this concept, however, in my early courses I thought I could just put this concept on the backburner. I do feel that I integrated my knowledge into my own inquiry and that I created a means to promote social change. Still, omitting a key component on interaction, dialogue and constituency building continued to inhibit my ideas from progressing forward.
I would like to say that I am organized, as far as time, bibliographies, and research materials; but I fear this is another aspect with which I need to continue working. I do think I was able to move blocks that would prohibit successful completion of my degree and project. Still, as I look back I see that my tactics could have been better. As I have reached this point, I had an initial feeling of accomplishment which was offset by a feeling that if I had only been more organized and disciplined, maybe I would have been a few steps further ahead. Maybe that is how we all tend to think when we try to look back retrospectively.
Though my weakness has been in developing peers and horizontal relationships, I now understand that as an aspect that I need to continue to work on. I do feel that once I am able to overcome that step, to get through the doorway, that I will then be confident. I have enough research that when I discuss NSSI, I feel confident. I have a significant amount of information from my research and I have no problem omitting that I may not know an answer because I know how to later go find that answer. Most of my peer interaction was through my courses, from my classmates and professor’s. I am indebted to them because they were a wealth of information, resources, advice and encouragement. I did listen to everything that was said to me and I feel that I adopted much of what I heard.
I feel capable of moving forward with my awareness program. I feel that I can assess my limitations but in doing so, I can attempt to make adjustments. I can accept multiple failures with the understanding that if I continue to reflect and follow guidelines such as the Cycles and Epicycles of Action Research, then I will make progress. I have been accepted into the Doctorate of Health Sciences at Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Sciences in Boston, Massachusetts. I am confident that my CCT skills will make me a better student and offer me an edge that I think few possess. I think we can learn information, but if we are not taught thinking skills, then how well can we utilize that information?
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