Maho Hatano

May 1, 2007

I. "MY SYNTHESIS PRODUCT SHOWS THAT..."

A. I can convey who I want to influence/affect concerning what (Subject, Audience, Purpose).

I can convey adults, no matter they are in school or not, who are concerning or feeling the needs to change or to do something new in their lives. Learning is not only for children. It is also for adults as well and I want to promote life long learning by knowing more about self.


B. I know what others have done before, either in the form of writing or action, that informs and connects with my project, and I know what others are doing now.

There are so many “self-help” books in bookstore. Authors include steps and assignments to do in order for readers to engage with the book and their lives. Just reading a book might not be helpful for personal development. Readers need to take an action. By showing my processes of my recovery and discovery, I am hoping that readers will take some kinds of actions by thinking “she could do that so why not I cannot do?”

There are commonalities in those “self-help” books. Those are messages of “it is OK to do/think/feel…” Those messages are to let readers relaxed what they think is wrong or bad. Self-acceptance to reduce one’s rigidity seems a first step to deal with issues or concerns about them and their lives.




C. I have teased out my vision, so as to expand my view of issues associated with the project, expose possible new directions, clarify direction/scope within the larger set of issues, and decide the most important direction.

I don’t know whether I teased out my vision of my creativity and myself. But I definitely challenged my vision of those two issues, and I begun to see more creativity in my life. I exposed new directions that are to maintain to be balanced being: when I see myself too critical, I can direct myself to be creative; when I see myself too creative(that have not happened yet), I can bring myself back to be a little bit of critical. Becoming critical here means to analyze what it is. Processes of becoming a balanced thinker are the results of exploring and challenging my creativity. I am sure that people do not have the same steps and paths that I have gone through.




D. I have identified the premises and propositions that my project depends on, and can state counter-propositions. I have taken stock of the thinking and research I need to do to counter those counter-propositions or to revise my own propositions.

I have already begun imagining about counter-propositions. The level of creativity among people should differ and the amount of learning about creativity should vary. I can only say that my stands are applicable for me and for people who have similar experience or thinking propositions that lead to be too critical to self, or sometimes to others.

E. I have clear objectives with respect to product, both written and practice, and process, including personal development as a reflective practitioner. I have arranged my work in a sequence (with realistic deadlines) to realize these objectives.

I think that I am a goal oriented person, so whatever I do contains some kinds of deadlines. This time with writing synthesis was the tough one in my academic experience. I never took that much time to finish my paper. I never postponed deadlines or asked to get an extension, but this time I did, unfortunately, more than once. I became struggled myself who could not keep the deadlines, which I made by myself. But at the same time I realized that I set up too unrealistic deadlines. I learned that the work for synthesis was not easy.

I totally respect what I have done and learned in CCT. I did much deeper reflections than any other academic work.

Now I know that how difficult it is for writers when they cannot write, what kinds of feelings writers might have when the work did not seem to go forward and the deadline was coming, how easy it is to be distracted and stayed away from school work when something happened in life, and how easy it is to study or research about issues out there and not about issues inside of myself, in other words, it seems to be more difficult when one faces to self to write.



F. I have gained direct information, models, and experience not readily available from other sources.

I have gained direct experience and clear visions of my process that I can tell and share to other people. Other self-help books have broad coverage for any stage of human lives. Some books specify for teens. Others are for middle ages. Rests are for working people. If one wants to change one’s perspectives and change the way to see a world, probably the one needs to read or scam several books, and needs to buy a couple of books because personal development takes time and actions. It is impossible to practice to develop one’s maturity level with just one book. I needed to combine my knowledge by reading books and my learning and experience in CCT.




G. I have clarified the overall progression or argument underlying my research and the written reports.

I have stated honestly what I have done in CCT course and CCT related activities. I think that it is clear to know how I have gone forward by changing and challenging myself. CCT courses and activities are mainly personal, or I took them as personal, so I could work on my own development to be a better person, for my work, to be a balanced being. My overall argument is that becoming creative, positive, healing, believing, and balanced person is possible. And by being balanced, we have better controls of emotions and thoughts. We are leading ourselves to be better, not external factors or other people to make us to be better.




H. My writing and other products Grab the attention of the readers/audience, Orient them, move them along in Steps, so they appreciate the Position I've led them to.

Grab the attention in a way that no other written products contain what I have written. And grab attention that how much I was blocked, uncreative, negative, critical, and doubting person, and how I make slight changes for all categories of myself.
Orient that becoming a creative, healing, believing, and balanced person is possible.
Steps what I have gone through were necessary for my development, and nothing wasted. And steps that I made are very small so take time.
Position that I have led readers to paths to work on weaknesses by nurturing what they are good at. And the position to go and to start is just a one point of long processes, which does not mean linear.




I. I have facilitated new avenues of classroom, workplace, and public participation.

Facilitated… I have done only once for my presentation. Probably, others might have done more than once. I am fine with not facilitating for now. I just want to acquire and maintain my creativity and harmony with believing.


J. To feed into my future learning and other work, I have taken stock of what has been working well and what needs changing.

I am in a starting point of changing my perspectives from negative to positive and from critical to creative, even though I have stated to become a balanced thinker. I see myself who have not quite balanced yet because sometimes my thinking propositions win before my new thinking skills take place. But I know what to work on and what has been working well. That is again to believe myself and think positive and creative, and nurture myself, not only my ideas, but also my thoughts and my feelings. I have not see what needs to be changed yet for those works.

II. DEVELOPING AS A REFLECTIVE PRACTITIONER, INCLUDING TAKING INITIATIVE IN AND THROUGH RELATIONSHIPS

1. I have integrated knowledge and perspectives from CCT and other courses into my own inquiry and engagement in social and/or educational change.

Engagement in social and educational change… I can only say “personal” change. If some people feel uneasy something or someone in their lives, and if they want to change or improve, they need to change themselves, so my paper might be applicable of showing examples of how I have changed. Through person to person, I can promote social change to deal with issues in effective ways, or I can encourage about life long learning that personal change would not stop. I don’t see a bigger picture of those changes right now. I still need to work on myself before I focus on changing socially and educationally.

2. I have also integrated into my own inquiry and engagement the processes, experiences, and struggles of previous courses.

Yes. My synthesis is all from previous courses. I could have done completely different than what I wrote for synthesis. Synthesis of CCT courses to me means what I have learned and experienced. So I stated what I have learned and experienced. I guess what it is interesting is to know the process: the process of becoming creative, the process of becoming unblocked, the process of dealing with death, the process of healing, the process of finding careers, the process of liking and disliking, and the process of believing. Those processes are from experience in CCT or related to CCT, and I am glad that I was able to open up my processes, not showing off, but sharing, to whoever read my paper. If I had to write something about research which related to the content of the program, I would not have been able to state my processes. And more importantly, I would not have reflected to this deeper level on what I have learned.


3. I have developed efficient ways to organize my time, research materials, computer access, bibliographies, etc.

Have I developed efficient ways efficient ways to organize my time, research materials, computer access, bibliographies? I am not really sure, to be honest. If I organize my time better, I would have done in December, but wouldn’t have contained what I really wanted to say about my process. Research materials… I did research about myself, so main material is me, my mind, my feelings, my experience, and my knowledge. Subordinate materials are books about personal developments. I like to read self-help books very much, so I did not need to organize. I had to work on computer access and bibliographies, but I was not that bad, I guess.



4. I have experimented with new tools and experiences, even if not every one became part of my toolkit as a learner, teacher/facilitator of others, and reflective practitioner.

New tools and experiences…. I can only say about “believing game” that has a great effect to control feeling and mind shifts. The drawing experience and healing/being healed experience were new in my life. That is why I wrote in my synthesis.


5. I have paid attention to the emotional dimensions of undertaking my own project but have found ways to clear away distractions from other sources (present & past) and not get blocked, turning apparent obstacles into opportunities to move into unfamiliar or uncomfortable territory.

At one point, I did not like myself who did not finish in one semester. Later on I realized that it is only my ego to finish early. The fact of finishing early sounds smart but it really is a matter of content. So, I shifted my mind to make a good paper; well-written, well-expressed, interesting, and unique. I had anxiety not about my paper but about graduation. Taking time for writing synthesis requires mental strengths: patience. I remember that I expressed that I was tired of writing this synthesis, and I wanted to do a new research or something completely new. But after I found the “believing” mental activity, my interests of writing got back, and led to finish.


6. I have developed peer and other horizontal relationships. I have sought support and advice from peers, and have given support and advice to them when asked for.

I would say 30% Yes and 70% No to the statement of “I have developed peer and other horizontal relationships”. I have Yes because I have a friend who read my paper and gave me comments and edited for me. But the friend whom I have is from previous courses. So, in a way, I did not “develop” peer relationship this time for synthesis. And this leads me to say No. I did not develop peer and horizontal relationships. I contacted another friend but what I did was just to encourage her work, not seeking advice for my paper. I did not develop relationships for sure, but I am happy what I have gone through. I think that is enough to have one advisor and two friends to contact or ask feedback. I don’t want to compete with peers that who finished who didn’t. To me, fewer but stronger relationships for support and advise are better.


7. I have taken the lead, not dragged my feet, in dialogue with my advisor and other readers. I didn't wait for the them to tell me how to solve an expository problem, what must be read and covered in a literature review, or what was meant by some comment I didn't understand. I didn't put off giving my writing to my advisor and other readers or avoid talking to them because I thought that they didn't see things the same way as I do.

I did not wait. I guess I knew that readers did not get what I wanted to say until I had a whole piece of synthesis. So, I had to do it by myself, which was a good thing, I guess. I consider it responsibility. I took responsibility to do my synthesis work and finish it. I should be responsible for what I wrote. So, I cannot give anyone to do my work because the finished work becomes not my work anymore, and I did not like that. I think that it is better to take responsibility so that one can have a sense of ownership: my writing, my work, my research, and so forth.


8. I have revised seriously, which involved responding to the comments of others. I came to see this not as bowing down to the views of others, but taking them in and working them into my own reflective inquiry until I could convey more powerfully to others what I'm about (which may have changed as a result of the reflective inquiry).

I have revised so many times. I responded not to cut nine dots and the artist’s way stories, and experience with supportive listening. I am glad that I did not cut because readers would know that the steps which I made were small but very effective, and anyone who want to change needs the small steps. And I feel good about the last section about harmony. I have asked to my advisor and my friend about the particular section, but I did not feel that I could go forward, so I decided to spend more time on the section. I went to a bookstore almost every day to know more about Eastern thoughts and spiritual development. I was looking for what I could write for the particular section of my synthesis. One particular author who is a Caucasian Tibet monk explains how we can control ourselves in our lives. One of her books is all about how to make harmony inside of self. I thought that was close to what I wrote in the philosophy course, but I was not sure that harmony itself was recovering and discovering. With the full of confusion what to write for the section, the weeks passed by, and I became more anxious about the deadline. One thing was in my mind in these “searching” times. That was a comment from my advisor to use “methodological doubting and believing” in disharmony section, which I used to separate harmony and disharmony, but I deleted all. For weeks I ignored the message that sit in my mind. But nothing could fit my brain to write the section, so I read a whole chapter by Peter Elbow. Finally, I found things to write. But this time I had too many things to write. I guess I liked the topic, so I kept reading. I finished and read again. I did used highlights and read again. I made notes and went back and read again. I picked quotes that I wanted to use, but I had too many. I did narrow down eventually, but I found a surprise that one reading can hit the brain and write. Now the “believing game” is within myself. I am just practicing without re-reading it.


9. I have inquired and negotiated about formal standards, but gone on to develop and internalize my own criteria for doing work—criteria other than jumping through hoops set by the professor so I get a good grade.

I have asked to myself and spent much time to express what I have learned, thought, and felt in activities and assignments in CCT courses. CCT, to me, is very unique compare to other graduate programs. I wanted to show the uniqueness even in my synthesis so that CCT students who will do a synthesis project can make something unique. I am not sure that I can say that I negotiated about formal standards. I have just been myself to express my processes of learning.


10. I have approached the CCT synthesis course and the CCT program as works-in-progress, which means that, instead of harboring criticisms to submit after the fact, I have found opportunities to affirm what is working well and to suggest directions for further development.

I don’t know what I can say about the CCT synthesis course because I never took synthesis as a course and I did not go through my synthesis in classroom, but the CCT program as work in progress, which is to me more like the beginning of my work, which will be in progress in future, for my personal development. By reflecting this synthesis process, what is working well is that I have kept learning and practicing what I thought that I lacked. And directions that I have taken and will keep taking are to keep being creative and balanced. And more importantly, I have to address myself to make harmony within myself whatever happens and whatever I feel those happenings. I recently reviewed a self-help book that I have read so many times within four years that I have found that I can choose my reaction to whatever happens in life. So, if it is true that I can choose, why don’t I choose reaction in a positive way. That positive reaction should give me harmonious feelings because I am positive, so I have decided to work to think positive. It is not easy as it is in the words. My tendency to be critical and negative and overanalyzing pops up in my mind quicker than my new skill to be creative and positive. Then I reflect, sometimes regret, what I did, thought, and said. I seem to be better than before because I begun noticing how I was negative. I want to stay in creative and positive manner without reflecting and regretting what I have done. I think that it might take time but it is clear that the directions that I am going to take are found through CCT.


Last comments,
Many authors write appreciation in the beginning of their books. They state so and so helped for such and such. And some of them even state that the book cannot become a book if they did not get any supports and help. Up until now, I had skeptical attitude towards the notes from those authors. It is sugarcoating. That was my original thought. Now I am close to finish my synthesis, which took two semesters. I totally understand why those authors show their appreciation in the beginning of the book. A written product will not become a “product” without supports and help. This synthesis will not become a product without supports and help from my advisor and my friend. I would have stayed with unfinished synthesis that has so many things to edit, delete, and change. I don’t know how many times I say “thank you”. I don’t know whether that is enough to show my appreciation or not. I don’t know how much I have to give for receiving supports and help. Now I know that authors, probably other types of profession as well, have tremendous amount of appreciation to whom they received supports and help. This is very true that one person cannot do/achieve/complete anything by her/himself. This human nature is created to work with others.

“Believing” exercise is amazing. I say this probably because its practice is still new to me, and it is the only way, for now, to reduce my critical voices. It is effective when one can use for arguments or debates, as Elbow states. But it is also very effective when one can use for own practice to be a better person. By believing, one can finish tasks, take actions, change attitudes or behaviors, or whatever one is “believing” can change one’s mind. One might work on believing to behave positively to bosses or co-workers. One might want to do something but has fear to do, but by believing, one can take a small action. Those are the small examples. I can see the “believing” effects on a personal level. It is so common to promote visualization of your dreams or hopes or goals or whatever one wants. Many people publish books about the effects of visualizing. I think that believing has the same effects. I have not seen many outcomes yet, but I have been closed to finish my synthesis, which I “believe” that I can finish my synthesis by the end of May. Why am I saying this in here, not in synthesis? I just want to write a reflection memo about “believing” exercise.

CCT is great. Give three cheers for CCT.