SelfAssessMaurer
Exit Self-Assessment – Rhoda Maurer
I. "MY SYNTHESIS PRODUCT SHOWS THAT..."
A. I can convey who I want to influence/affect concerning what (Subject, Audience, Purpose).
- I have grown my confidence in being able to articulate well the ideas I have both in writing and in public speaking. This growth is in areas that have previously been difficult to articulate because of a lack of confidence in my worth as a contributor to the discussion of change and science since I’m not professionally perceived as an expert outside horticultural practices. Yet I’ve found practices that have helped me clarify my intention and my voice through facilitating inquiry rather than prescribing outcomes and I’ve negotiated with my driving perfectionism the gift of play through the concept of WIP.
- Sometimes I still struggle with defining the audience. And I will need to continue to consider that the audience may be broader or different than I first imagine, something to consider as I continue to grow my career.
B. I know what others have done before, either in the form of writing or action, that informs and connects with my project, and I know what others are doing now.
- I have spent countless hours reading, researching, and extending in person conversations on the various topics I was interested in as I moved through my CCT experience. I’ve learned how powerful self-directed learning can be and hope that I can use this new awareness to support others. I have extended my research beyond the SICW experience by putting myself in positions of continued learning (conferences, tasks forces, and ongoing learning environments) that extend beyond the end of my graduate studies.
- I will need to continue to grow spaces for my ongoing research – the challenge of navigating spaces in our daily lives when graduate school is gone and others may not as easily support the time it takes to continue to practice. And I will need to reach out and build supportive spaces beyond my graduate work and this research as I bring this work and my practices into my workplace life.
C. I have teased out my vision, so as to expand my view of issues associated with the project, expose possible new directions, clarify direction/scope within the larger set of issues, and decide the most important direction.
- When I began the SICW program, I didn’t know where I might be going to find an answer as to how public horticulture might change to support the complex problems facing our world. Yet I’ve grown to understand the initial complexity of my inquiry was actually a greater complexity of humanity extending much further. Most importantly, I’ve discovered we don’t need to have the answers, we don’t need to be an expert, and we don’t need to fear not knowing. The space of discovery is the seed of the place I seek to support finding answers together.
- Translating this growth and clarity is my biggest challenge as I move my focus into implementation. So I will need patience and tolerance for the slow process of other’s growth as it has been given to me.
D. I have identified the premises and propositions that my project depends on, and can state counter-propositions. I have taken stock of the thinking and research I need to do to counter those counter-propositions or to revise my own propositions.
- I found this exercise difficult for some research. But the process of putting in words the premises and propositions of my work helped tease out new threads of discovery or focus that might not emerge without this critical and expansive process.
- I find it helpful to share these propositions and counter-propositions with others since the sharing often reveals alternatives that I can consider important or a redirection for my focus.
E. I have clear objectives with respect to product, both written and practice, and process, including personal development as a reflective practitioner. I have arranged my work in a sequence (with realistic deadlines) to realize these objectives.
- Deadlines have always been a friend in the process of production for me. And I’ve learned to create self-imposed deadlines as part of my planning and implementation that includes time for reflection and gestation. Given the nature of doing the synthesis during a time of multiple work/life transitions, I feel confident my presentation and paper offer evidence of this.
- The self-imposed stress I still feel along with the doubting self-talk is still a part of the journey. I’m not sure it will ever go away. And yet I’ve come to understand that this stress and fear is a sign of doing something meaningful to me. Honoring this feeling rather than suppressing it allows me to continue to move the project – moving past stuck.
F. I have gained direct information, models, and experience not readily available from other sources.
- I have appreciated being supported through asking to lead Dialogue Circles, WIP presentations, and experiencing CEs and the NEWSSC workshop outside of coursework. These spaces have assisted me in gaining valuable first-hand practice of the tools we practice in class in spaces where others may not be in the same space of readiness or practice themselves.
- I may be challenged to continue these experiences as extensions from the conclusion of my graduate degree. Yet I would like to continue to offer these spaces both to myself and to others. One way I may be able to do this is to offer hosting of CEs or Hangouts with fellow graduates as we continue to journey.
G. I have clarified the overall progression or argument underlying my research and the written reports.
- Through many revisions and attempts at different formatting, I found clarity in the flow of my thinking and translated that to words and visual representations.
- I need to continue to honor the complexity of asynchronous development and process that are deeply part of my voice: my photography, my writing, and sharing with others even if they seem to others not necessary pieces of the process.
H. My writing and other products Grab the attention of the readers/audience, Orient them, move them along in Steps, so they appreciate the Position I've led them to.
- With revisions and reflections and asking myself the question of intention, I’ve presented an oral presentation that engaged the audience as I had hoped.
- The challenge will always be how to engage people that may not see the same way I do, or have the same horticultural language, as I grow my ideas into areas of study/research and engagement not often seen as directly relevant.
I. I have facilitated new avenues of classroom, workplace, and public participation.
- I appreciate being challenged to engage the audience during my synthesis presentation. This brought my visual self back into the participation and grew a new method of communicating my ideas through having others participate. I have grown other tools such as Dialogue Processes into my workplace. But this experience allowed me to touch a part of myself that feels more like mentor and guide from a different place in my heart, my naturalist self.
- Being in a new place of employment (only 3 months in) I am still growing this facilitation while struggling with other parts of my job responsibilities and expectations alongside buying a home and moving to Ithaca. The challenge really is making time for the stillness I need as recovery and recharge to pay attention to the processes and in the moment opportunities that arise.
J. To feed into my future learning and other work, I have taken stock of what has been working well and what needs changing.
- What I realized late in the SICW program is that this is an ongoing process! And what may seem at times the “right” direction or focus after taking stock may later reveal new insights at deeper depths of understanding. Thus I hope to reflect back on the work I produced and the tools gestating in my toolbox. I suppose evidence of taking stock of what has been working well is reflected in my daily writing practice that extends beyond the focus of my research and into my efforts to support a new culture at Cornell Plantations and honors my struggles and extended thinking that cannot help but influence my process. Even the creation of the Abstract itself was a taking stock experience of the processes of writing and presenting the synthesis.
- As I sit here today taking stock again, I realize how much I need to support spaces of reflection and co-creative spaces of supportive non-judgment allowing for risk-taking as a serious practice of learning and growth.
II. DEVELOPING AS A REFLECTIVE PRACTITIONER, INCLUDING TAKING INITIATIVE IN AND THROUGH RELATIONSHIPS
1. I have integrated knowledge and perspectives from CCT and other courses into my own inquiry and engagement in social and/or educational change.
- I am currently embarking on a journey to collaboratively discover a new direction for public horticulture within the space of Cornell Plantations and the communities it engages. I have initiated discussions and am currently co-creating the processes and spaces for this inquiry.
- External challenges are numerous, from budget shortages to staffing remodels. My own challenge is building the community to grow these spaces of inquiry despite them.
2. I have also integrated into my own inquiry and engagement the processes, experiences, and struggles of previous courses.
- I spent hours and days revisiting my processes and work from previous semesters, not only as part of developing a synthesis focus, but also as a part of gathering research materials to support it. I often reflected back on different challenges and learning about myself as I navigated through the complexity of this semester. These built confidence in myself as new challenges continually arose.
- There is more work to be done in the deeper narratives I hold related to vulnerability.
3. I have developed efficient ways to organize my time, research materials, computer access, bibliographies, etc.
- I feel quite confident now as I am leaving the program in my ability to conduct research and keep track of materials, references and my time. I believe this is evident through my ability to produce a finished product given the complexity of time management this semester.
- My challenge will be to continue my daily writing practice in the space of my new job and navigating some time for Joe and my relationship as I transition out of my graduate studies. His expectations of how much time we will have together and how much I may still need for continued work will need further communication and negotiation as I figure out where and when I can honor this new part of my practice.
4. I have experimented with new tools and experiences, even if not every one became part of my toolkit as a learner, teacher/facilitator of others, and reflective practitioner.
- The tools from the appendix of my synthesis paper have all become deeply practiced parts of my active toolkit. They have found there way into my workplace at NYSAES and I am now growing them at Cornell Plantations, the first of which was used during my job interview.
- As I grow the use of these and other tools, I will need to revisit possible extensions and simplifications, practicing and modifying them as I go. For each tool will not necessarily be easily understood, integrated or accepted as people are in different spaces to receive them. Taking Yourself Seriously sits atop my desk at work and I may want additional copies to share.
5. I have paid attention to the emotional dimensions of undertaking my own project but have found ways to clear away distractions from other sources (present & past) and not get blocked, turning apparent obstacles into opportunities to move into unfamiliar or uncomfortable territory.
- I know when I’m fearful that I’m beginning to get into territory that is important. And most often I’ve relied quite heavily on the support of my partner to pick up small parts of daily life while I’ve had to let go of others to allow the space needed to work through the emotional dimensions of this kind of work. I’ve navigated the sharing of this emotional space as a depth of relationship development between us that I used to hold tightly alone.
- Again the time for stillness or time away from the immediate work is essential to allowing me to recharge my battery. Thankfully, I can usually negotiate this time. Other times I can be open about the challenges without making them an excuse. Yet I know I need to continue to pay attention to how I impact others as I navigate my own challenges.
6. I have developed peer and other horizontal relationships. I have sought support and advice from peers, and have given support and advice to them when asked for.
- When asked for feedback on written or verbal work, I always followed through to commit time and energy to honoring the importance of careful feedback after reflecting on their work. I also reached out beyond the classroom for support when I needed different kinds of support for my own work. And I submitted more drafts than ever before as I continued to develop my work. I’ve extended horizontal relationships with peers at Cornell and often checked in on classmates outside the prescribed groups.
- It was at times a struggle to seek support from the staff that reports to me in the sense of patience as I navigated the synthesis during the start of my new employment. And I also found it difficult at times to ask for space when I needed it and instead ignored this part of my life (parents, siblings and my own fitness). In general I find it easier to ask for forgiveness afterward rather than try to honor the importance of these relationships during stressful times. This is often the result of just taking on too much and I will need to continue to grow and honor the needed time for stillness in order to be my best self for others.
7. I have taken the lead, not dragged my feet, in dialogue with my advisor and other readers. I didn't wait for them to tell me how to solve an expository problem, what must be read and covered in a literature review, or what was meant by some comment I didn't understand. I didn't put off giving my writing to my advisor and other readers or avoid talking to them because I thought that they didn't see things the same way as I do.
- I am able to navigate deadlines that I set for myself successfully and use this as a motivation tool. And even when I was not ready to present this last WIP, feeling it was not ready, I did so anyway and honored the space of roughness it was in.
- My perfectionism is a curse and a blessing related to keeping to self-imposed deadlines. And while I am able to often produce a good product or WIP, I still struggle with the stress associated with not having something I am proud of when asked to share. My challenge will be to grow with others spaces where I feel safe to share as I have in these CCT classes. Taking myself seriously includes accepting my imperfections.
8. I have revised seriously, which involved responding to the comments of others. I came to see this not as bowing down to the views of others, but taking them in and working them into my own reflective inquiry until I could convey more powerfully to others what I'm about (which may have changed as a result of the reflective inquiry).
- I have often reflected on feedback, not immediately incorporating suggestions, and not feeling doubtful of my work as a result. Instead, I find feedback helpful in gaining clarity of my work and how it is communicated. Even when feedback is not given in such a supportive space as offered in CCT ways, I find myself knowing and saying thank you to those not so eloquently gifted at constructive feedback.
- It takes me time to process the feedback, and it often takes additional writing with a narrower focus to digest the feedback. So the challenge is to take the time it takes to do more writing and gestating and build this into the process and deadlines. The challenge is to take time to ask for the kind of feedback I need as well, often referring back to Elbow until they become more deeply imbedded in my practice.
9. I have inquired and negotiated about formal standards, but gone on to develop and internalize my own criteria for doing work—criteria other than jumping through hoops set by the professor so I get a good grade.
- This became evident in the final presentation of my synthesis work. I could have followed a more traditional format for my paper, excluding the narratives. But I dug into why they were important and altered the structure many times until it felt right. I followed what I would be proud of rather than trying to meet expectations of what others might have.
- Trusting that I know what good work is from my own set of standards is wrapped up in letting go and taking a chance on the feeling of direction I often follow versus focusing too much on a desired outcome. Thank you whoever stated this as feedback to one of my WIP!
10. I have approached the CCT synthesis course and the CCT program as works-in-progress, which means that, instead of harboring criticisms to submit after the fact, I have found opportunities to affirm what is working well and to suggest directions for further development.
- I am still amazed at how this transition developed from being fearful of sharing my work to looking forward to sharing it! Sometime during the CCT program this shift happened. And later it materialized in my job interview presentation and the final WIP before our oral presentations… a real knowing that WIP is a gift.
- The challenge for me is how to share this with others and create spaces were we can all value the principle of sharing work in progress in the more traditional competitive culture of academia where I work.